[MajestyJo]

Having a sponsor has been one thing that has been constant in my recovery, and yet ironically, the same sponsor through out my recovery hasn't happened. I have been fired, I have been taken back on, at my request. I have had an AA, NA, and Al-Anon sponsor, I have had an AA, and an AA co-Sponsor, a Native American woman I was working with at the time, different combinations, my second Al-Anon sponsor passed away on Monday. My 1st Al-Anon sponsor and I were co-sponsoring each other when she passed away.

When I asked the sponsor who passed away to go through the Blue Prints to Progress by Al-Anon and she dropped me as a sponsee. She said she had nothing to give me. I had trouble understanding it. We had about the same time in the fellowship, we had both come from abusive marriages and we both had sons who were addicts. She told me that every time I shared at a meeting, her mouth was opened in awe with what I shared, and I couldn't understand this because we both had about the same amount of time in the program. I wish we could have shared more.

Several sponsor relationships I felt used, they only had time for me if I came over and did something for them. One sponsor I typed and sorted papers for her job. Another sponsor expected me to get her rides, invite her for meals, and a lot of things were conditional. The one who fired me lived in the west end and I had moved to the east end for a short period and she said she didn't see me at her meetings, so she let me go. I was only there about 2 years and I was back in the same area. It was meant to be, because I has some very important contact during that time.

I will always remember my first Native American sponsor who use to say two things to me. If you are doubting yourself, you are doubting God. The other was, "JoAnne, are you still intellectualizing? Stop it!"

Tonight I had the thought to call my sponsor twice but for some reason, I didn't. I will call tomorrow hopefully, and will find that she is alright. If I was suppose to have made that call I would have, I hope and pray a prayer was enough. Maybe it was because I saw my AA sponsor in my lobby tonight. I never call her. Haven't fired her, don't even have her number to call her any more since I deleted all the calls on my directory by mistake. A good way to let go. She came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and she reeked of smoke. One of the reasons I don't sit down and talk with her. I see her friend who lives in my building more often than I see her. I have issues with my sponsor because of two of her active addictions, that she feels comfortable with, so I had to detach and let go. My focus has been Al-Anon, but I know when I need it, I will rush to the nearest AA meeting.

Tonight I was talking to my son and my pharmacist. I said, "I was going to become a drunken old lady and get rid of my shakes, because the rheumatologist and neurologist, both told me for years, that my shakes would go away, if I picked up a drink. A couple of nights ago I had to stab my food with my fork to get it to stay on long enough to get it to my mouth. Some days it gets to be frustrating. Some days acceptance just isn't always there when you want it and is slow in coming.

The lies we tell ourselves, that become our honest truth. They are so steeped with our cross our heart and hoping, we can't see the BS from the buckwheat, at least I think that is the saying.

It has been so important for me to have that one special person I can go to and share. When she wasn't available I had large support network I could go to because picking up was never an option.

Posted on another site June 13, 2012.

Not sure if this is a repeat or not.

This is why I appreciate this site. I can come here and share. It helps me and hopefully, it will help someone else.