No man can produce great things who is not thoroughly sincere in dealing with himself.
—James Russell Lowell
For so many years, I looked outside of myself for the answers, for the validation and acceptance of who I was. I could not find it within myself. That is because I wasn't able or willing to look.
My disease made me act selfish and self-centered. Yet, I had no concept of self-care. In order to recover, I had to put my life into the care of my God. In order to recover, I had to find out who my God was to me. I had to find out who I was to God.
My God gave me freedom of choice. He gives me forgiveness and unconditional love. I had to learn to find these things within me.
It isn't about what other people did or did to me; it is about my actions and what I did to myself and others.
It was necessary to take an inventory to see what was there, how can I change something if I don't know what I had accumulated along the way, what I had let go of, and what was never there and needed to be added and what needed to be taken away or changed in a way that was condusive to good recovery.
My first thought was that I was alright, now I had put the plug in the jug, I was just fine. And then I remembered that fine mean, frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional. A friend took my inventory for me, I went home and added more to this list and then my sponsor said, 'Now find something positive to balance it out, because there is goodness there too. That was the hard part.
I was told, "What you see in others, is within you. It takes one to know one. If you see positive or negative, it is a reflection of yourself. The people are your mirror." Some days I want to hang a curtain over that mirror. Other days, the mirror is fogged up, and I am not ready to see what is being reflected back at me. Eventually, I see and then I have to get honest. Honest with me, self-honesty, the person who I lied to for so many years.
My sponsor and spiritual adviser always said, "Look who you are point a finger at if you really want to know what you need to work on."
