Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2021
 

January 4

Quote of the Week

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

In early recovery I heard someone say that, “If you get a horse thief sober, all you have is a sober horse thief.” I learned that the Twelve Step program is a program of recovery because it is a program of change. Just getting sober isn’t enough. I have known many people who came into the program and stopped drinking but either delayed or didn’t work the Steps. They soon found that they still had all the old problems, feelings, and circumstances they had while drinking. Besides not drinking, not much else had changed.

“The same man will drink again.” This was another saying I heard when I was new, and it reveals yet another danger of not working the Steps and of not changing. Driven and haunted by the pain of the old self, it is a short distance to the temporary relief and old solution of drinking. Once again, if nothing changes (besides not picking up a drink), nothing changes, and the same man will soon drink again.

“The only thing we have to change is everything.” The miracle of the program comes as we work the Steps, abandon our old ideas, and discard our old self. The Big Book tells us that we become reborn as a result of working the Steps, and it is this new self that is capable of living a new life that is happy, joyous, and free. The good news is that this total change is much easier than it sounds, and it is a natural result of working the program. And ultimately, everything changes as we change.

January 11

Quote of the Week

"People who try to figure it out, go back out."

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. When I was new to the program, I kept trying to figure out how the program worked and why my sponsor wanted me to do certain things. For example, when he told me to put the chairs away after a meeting or pick up cigarette butts, I was offended. I’d ask, “What’s that got to do with me getting sober?” His response was, “Are you willing to do what we do around here to stay sober?” I was, and so I took his suggestions.

There are a lot of other pretty smart people who come into the program, and when given the same direction they balk and need to first figure out how it all works. They constantly ask questions, and when I give them the simple answers as to why it has worked for me and countless others, they just keep asking. Their resistance to follow direction, and unwillingness to do the work, hides an ego that hasn’t surrendered yet. Unfortunately, this insistence on figuring it out often leads them to go back out.

Fortunately for me, I had hit a bottom that made me desperate and so allowed me to be completely willing and open to suggestions. I surrendered to the group of drunks (G.O.D.) because they could do something I couldn’t—stay sober and improve their lives. As my sponsor once told me, “Your best thinking got you into the rooms, so stop trying to figure it out and just follow direction.” I did, and my life got better. And thankfully, over twelve years later, I haven’t found it necessary to go back out.

January 18

Quote of the Week

"If you think you want a drink, just roll the tape to the end."

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is the only disease that constantly tells me I don’t have a disease. That’s why sometimes, and without warning, I’ll find myself nursing the idea that a drink might be a good idea—a nice cold beer at a barbeque, a glass of red wine at dinner, a colorful cocktail at a chic bar. If I just think about the drink, I could be thinking myself into big trouble. . . .

At the meetings I attend there are recovery slogans on the wall. “One day at a time,” “Live and let live,” and such. There is also a slogan that is hung upside down. It is “Think, Think, Think.” When I asked my sponsor why it was upside down, he said it was to remind me that the problems of the alcoholic are centered in the mind. He said there would be times when I would have no mental defense against taking that first drink. He said that maintaining my spiritual condition, staying close to the program, and reaching out to others in the fellowship would be key in situations like this.

Other times, however, when I am able to think past the drink, I try to roll the tape to the consequences of where that first drink will lead me. Once I reach the inevitable end, I recoil as if from a hot flame. The illusion of fun and easy times is replaced by the hopelessness and incomprehensible demoralization I’ve experienced before, and that I know will come again from picking up that drink. Today, I try to think my way to the inevitable, miserable end and so save myself and others from the hurt and suffering that alcohol has always caused me.

January 25

Quote of the Week

"We must learn from the mistakes of others because we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves."

I used to be very judgmental. I especially liked pointing out other people’s mistakes and making fun of how stupid they could be. When I made a mistake, I was quick to blame circumstances or others, and rarely did I take responsibility or admit that perhaps I was to blame. After years of avoiding or evading the consequences of my mistakes, they finally caught up with me and I had to surrender.

When I entered recovery, I was still in denial about my behavior, and each time I heard someone share I would think, I wasn’t that bad, and They sure need to be here. My sponsor reminded me to listen for the similarities, not the differences, and soon I began to identify not with their actions but with their feelings. Once I identified with their feelings, I learned the powerful word “yet.” I hadn’t made those mistakes yet, but if I had continued drinking and using, I probably would have.

Over the years, I’ve learned to listen to and benefit from other people’s experience. Now when I hear of the mistakes others have made, I’m quick to see how I’ve done something similar, or how I could have easily made the same mistake given similar circumstances. Today, I’m grateful for the mistakes I’ve made and for what they have taught me, and I’m even more grateful for the mistakes of others. You see, I understand that we must learn from the mistakes of others because we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves.

February 1

Quote of the Week

"You have to feel to heal."

I learned to hide from my feelings at a young age. Raised in an abusive, alcoholic home, I checked out early in front of the TV set. In my teenage years, I discovered alcohol and used that to keep uncomfortable feelings away. Over the years, I used other things—relationships, food, shopping, and so on—to avoid feeling. Unable to escape them, and without the tools to deal with them, my feelings became overwhelming and threatened to engulf and destroy me.

When I entered recovery and stopped drinking, my feelings descended on me, and I sometimes thought I was losing my mind. I can still hear my sponsor tell me, “Feelings aren’t facts—they are just feelings.” While that may have been true, it was also true that my feelings were still there, and they were really uncomfortable. The solution to dealing with them, I learned, was to ask my Higher Power to help me sit with my feelings, and to listen to what they were trying to tell me. It wasn’t easy at first.

Through inventory, though, and sharing with others, and listening to my Higher Power, I have learned to respect rather than run from my feelings. Today, my feelings are like little guides that lead me into the depths of who I really am, and I am no longer afraid to go there because I know that at my core I am a child of God. Today, I know that the key to healing in a profound and sacred way is to honor my feelings and truly hear what they are trying to teach me.

February 8

Quote of the Week

"The good part of recovery is that you get your feelings back; the bad part is that you get your feelings back."

Ah, the paradox of recovery—one of many. When I was out there, I had an easy way of dealing with my feelings: I’d numb them with alcohol. Unable to feel or even acknowledge my feelings, I drifted through the complexities of relationships and situations, neither growing nor evolving. In fact, I’ve heard it said that we come into the program emotionally frozen at the age we started drinking and using.

So here I was, a thirty-seven-year-old man with the emotional maturity of a seventeen-year-old. And here came a bewildering onslaught of feelings. Shame, hurt, fear, rage, regret, resentments—the range, depth, and color of my feelings were overwhelming. At first, I didn’t think I would survive, but I followed my sponsor’s direction and kept coming to meetings, and I stayed sober.

Over time, I learned that my feelings were not going to kill me. I learned that, although sometimes painful and unwanted, all my feelings were valid, and each had something valuable to teach me. Through working the Steps, I developed tools to process my emotions and soon learned to give them the space and respect they deserved. Today, my feelings are teachers, and all teachers are welcome.

February 15

Quote of the Week

"You are exactly where God wants you to be."

When I was new to the program, I used to complain to my sponsor about where I was in my life. I told him I couldn’t believe I was in my late thirties and my life was such a mess. I was unemployed, and more importantly, I was unemployable. I had no savings and was borrowing money to pay my expenses. I had never been married and hadn’t had a serious relationship in years. My family didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and I had few friends left. I was at the bottom of my life.

And that’s when he looked at me and said, “You are exactly where God wants you to be.” How can that possibly be? I thought. What kind of a deranged God would want me to be so miserable, so desperate? My sponsor told me that I had finally reached a place where I had fully surrendered, and it was only here that God could reach me and begin the miracle that would transform my life.

While I understood what my sponsor meant, my ego continued to struggle against where I was and where I thought I should be. As I slowly pieced my life back together, I still resented that I had to take an entry-level job, or wait a year before getting into a relationship, or sweep floors after meetings. But after a while, the wisdom of these baby steps revealed themselves. By starting over, and doing things the right way—selflessly, fully present, and grateful for the opportunities—I began to appreciate and cherish the new life I had a second chance at building. Even today, when I get anxious or impatient, I remember that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

February 22

Quote of the Week

"Around A.A. or in A.A.?"

When I slinked into A.A., I arrived just as meetings were starting, and I sat in the back of the room, near the door. When they ended, I made my escape before the final prayers and was driving out of the parking lot as the first smokers arrived at the edge of the sidewalks. I didn’t call any of the phone numbers people had managed to pass to me during my brief attendance, and I was horrified at the thought of fellowship. After a few weeks of being around A.A. in this way, I found myself drunk on my couch on a Monday afternoon.

When I sneaked back in after a particularly demoralizing couple of weeks, someone cornered me as I was once again making my escape and declared himself my sponsor. He offered to drive back to my house to help me “clean up” the place, meaning to pour all my liquor out and flush my drugs down the toilet. I declined. He got a promise from me to call him the next morning, and to meet him at a meeting that night, and to not drink or use in between. I thought he was pretty demanding, but I didn’t have any better ideas, so I agreed.

Over the next several months, my sponsor taught me how to be in A.A. He suggested we meet an hour before meetings to read the Big Book together. He then suggested I get three to four commitments at various meetings I attended during the week. Once we got to a meeting, he taught me to sit in the front row with him so that we wouldn’t be distracted. Afterward, we either thanked the speaker or reached out our hands to a newcomer. Today, I know there is a big difference between around A.A. and in A.A.

March 1

Quote of the Week

"A.A. spoils your drinking."

When I was drinking, I didn’t know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. I had vaguely heard of it, but my image was of old men in trench coats smoking cigarettes and drinking lots of coffee. I had never heard of the Twelve Steps, and when I saw car stickers with the triangle in the circle, I had no idea that it referenced the A.A. program. I didn’t even know my best friend had gotten sober until I needed help. Thank God he and the A.A. program were there for me.

When I left the life of drinking, I entered a whole new world. There were meeting rooms, slogans on the walls, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and lots of happy, sober people who had a solution. I began learning a new way of life, but at ninety days I wasn’t ready for it. I went back out and drank. But the A.A. program had already begun to work because suddenly my drinking wasn’t the same.

I experienced what I’d heard in meetings: A head full of A.A. and a belly full of alcohol don’t mix. I had become aware of the disease—the physical allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind. I had also become aware of the solution—the loving help of a Higher Power and the freedom from bondage the Twelve Steps offered. I kept going to meetings, and finally my sobriety took hold and I stopped drinking for good. Today, I’m glad that the A.A. message spoiled my drinking, because if it hadn’t, I may not be here.

March 8

Quote of the Week

"If you don’t go within, you go without."

Legend has it that the deepest wisdom was once freely available to man, but he ignored it. The Gods, growing tired of this, decided to hide this wisdom so that only those determined to use it would search for it and find it. They considered hiding it on the tallest mountain, then underneath the deepest sea, and even burying it in the earth, but they decided that man would eventually stumble upon it. Finally, they decided on the perfect place, inside man himself, a place he would never think to look.

This certainly describes me before recovery. I was constantly searching outside of myself for the answers to my life. I was convinced the right job, the right relationship, or more money would fill the hole I had inside me. Eventually I turned to drugs and alcohol, thinking the temporary relief I got would work, but it never did. In the end, I didn’t know where to look anymore, and once alcohol stopped working, I entered recovery.

I remember the first time I heard this quote: “If you don’t go within, you go without.” My sponsor explained that it meant not only were all the answers inside of me, but that if I didn’t go inside for them, then I would keep searching outside of myself and would continue to go without the solutions. It has taken years for me to consistently search within—the Gods did find the perfect hiding place! Each time I go within, however, the wisdom is there waiting for me. Now I know what they mean in the program when they say, “It’s an inside job."

March 15

Quote of the Week

"When you are in fear you should remember to T.R.U.S.T.: Try Really Using Step Three."

When I first heard this quote, a great release and calm came over me. I was at a meeting, anxious and afraid, and all at once I let go of the fear, dread, and self-pity I had been carrying. In an instant, I shifted from my will to God’s will, and the peace and comfort I felt reminded me, yet again, that it works when I become willing (or desperate enough) to work it.

There is so much power and wisdom in Step Three. It first reminds me that the peace and serenity I get from turning my will and life over to God are just a decision away. I always have the choice of either staying in fear or surrendering my will to the care of my Higher Power. And although I’m often reluctant to let go of control, when I remember I am turning my will and life over to the “care” of God, the decision becomes easier.

After years of working this Step, I have come to trust that God’s will for me is always better than anything I can think of for myself. It’s hard to remember this sometimes, as I still get wrapped up in self-centered fear and try to control life to suit myself. But I do have a way out; my experience is that, when I use the Third Step, relief and release always come. Today, my way out of fear is to T.R.U.S.T.

March 22

Quote of the Week

"I can’t, God can, let Him."

I remember how unmanageable my life used to be. The more uncontrollable it became, the more I tried to control it. The weird thing was, this only made it worse. I felt like that Dutch kid who sticks his finger in the dike to plug up the hole, but when he does, two more sprout up. As I tried to control the ongoing deluge, I finally became overwhelmed and gave up. Peering up from a very deep bottom, I could barely make out a pinprick of light—and that light was Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I entered the program, I thought that—besides not drinking—I would be taught how to manage and control my life better. Instead, I was told the craziest thing: I was told to “let go and let God.” That sounded way too esoteric to work in my case. I mean, God wasn’t going to fix my career, pay my rent, and repair all the damage I had caused. “That’s right,” my sponsor said. “Your job will be to take the action. The results, however, you will leave up to God.” That seemed even crazier, but I was willing to learn to try.

I’m a slow learner, so I only let go a little bit at first. But each time I did, things got better. And what was truly miraculous was that when I completely trusted God and let go of the results, things turned out better than I could have imagined. My sponsor taught me that by doing this I was working the first Three Steps in the program, and he recommended I try it not only on my problems but in my life as well. He said the shortcut to remembering Steps One through Three was to simply say, “I can’t, God can, let Him.” And I’ve found that it works when I’m willing to work it.

March 29

Quote of the Week

"The minute I take control, that’s when I lose control."

I used to try all the time to control my drinking and using. I’d give myself a limit as to how many drinks I would have; I’d practice drinking a glass of water between cocktails; I would use only on the weekend (that didn’t work because soon Friday and then Thursday became part of the weekend), and on and on. What I found was that as soon as I tried to control it, I lost control.

When I entered recovery, I learned about the concept of powerlessness. Even though I had countless examples of how I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, I secretly hoped that one day I would be able to control and enjoy them. After countless inventories and Step work, I learned that I lost that dubious luxury long ago. Whenever I tried to control my drinking, I didn’t enjoy it, and when I enjoyed it, I couldn’t control it.

Just as I was coming to accept my powerlessness over alcohol, I faced an even more daunting idea—that I was powerless over just about everything else in my life as well. The way I’ve come to accept this is to take responsibility for the things I can control (my thoughts and my actions) and to leave the results up to God. This always works, when I remember to work it. And the minute I don’t, the minute I try to take control of the outcome, that’s the minute I lose control once again.

April 5

Quote of the Week

"R&R stands for rest and relaxation, not rehearse and rehash!"

If only my mind would leave me alone, I often think. I have what I call a digging mind. Like a dog at the beach, it digs and digs and digs in a problem, a worry, or in some other imagined potential problem area or scenario, often without my approval or even awareness. It loves to uncover negative thoughts, feelings, and fears, and then rehearse ugly scenarios or rehash old problems. In the past, the only way of quieting my mind was to drink.

My digging mind is not only relentless, but it is consistently negative as well. When I got sober, I rarely found it digging in a positive or hopeful place. During early recovery, it wasn’t dwelling on how great my life would turn out, or how all the damage I had done would get straightened out. Instead, I learned that I was driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, and I watched as it searched and dug away at the beaches of disappointment, past regrets, and failure.

Thank God I was given tools to rein in my mind, and things to do that kept me focused on the positive aspects of recovery. I learned to take my mind off myself by helping others. I started dealing with my resentments of the past by doing inventories and looking at my part. And I found relief by clearing away the wreckage of my past and making amends. Today, I know how to give myself a break, and when my mind starts digging I direct it to uncover God’s will for me. Today, I’ve learned how to truly rest and relax.

April 12

Quote of the Week

"The people who are the angriest are the people who are the most afraid."

It took me a long time to make the connection between my anger and my fear. For years, I drowned my fear in alcohol and lived quite detached from my feelings. Any extended periods of abstinence usually left me feeling agitated, edgy, longing for, and needing a drink. I craved the instant calm and temporary sense of ease that my addiction provided me.

When I entered the program, I was unprepared for the shock of emotions that grabbed me and tried to pull me apart. Chief among these were my feelings of dread and fear, which manifested initially as anger, and then as rage. After I completed my Fourth Step fear inventory, I began to understand that the reason I was so angry was because I was full of a lifetime of unacknowledged fear.

One of the gifts of my recovery is that now I am quick to trace any discomfort, agitation, or anger back to a specific fear. If I am complaining about a line being too long or someone driving too slowly, or if I’m angry at my boss or spouse, I stop and ask myself what is making me afraid. When the answer comes, as it always does, I use the tools I have developed in the program to deal with it. Today, I have empathy for people who are angry because I know they are just people who are in fear of something.